How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
