I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
