I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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