They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
