I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
