I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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