Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
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