how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
