apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
