Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
