i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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