You can't motorboat a personality
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
