White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
