Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
third nipple confirmed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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