at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My balls are so social today.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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