I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
