I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize