mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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