Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
