This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
