well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
