Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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