My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
