I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He has the fingertips of a God
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
