But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
