I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
