A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
