Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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