Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize