Duck Duck Cougar?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
