Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
