Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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