The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
