He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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