that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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