I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
