Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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