There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
