I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
