Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
