I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
