no, he came in my armpit
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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