The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
