Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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