I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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