Cold hands, warm shart.
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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