you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sext me about skeletons
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
