So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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