I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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