Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize