My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I want a musical about memes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
