Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
