Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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