I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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