Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
